


May Your Days Be Merry And Bright

by FivePips



Series: 12+ Fics of Christmas 2018 [10]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Family Loss, Fluff, Grief/Mourning, I swear there is fluff in here after, Loss of Parent(s), M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-17
Updated: 2018-12-20
Packaged: 2019-09-21 13:19:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,150
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17044448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FivePips/pseuds/FivePips
Summary: Or, Three Christmases That Changed EverythingRemus is sure he has nothing left to live for. He's sick of just pushing forward and wants it all to end. Just as he's about to jump, someone stops him. Five years later, they meet again. Then a year after that... well, let's just say there's a happy ending.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I got an ask to come up with a fic idea for the title of this fic. Then this happened. 
> 
>  
> 
> The holidays can be hard for people struggling depression. If you need someone to talk to here’s a list of helplines from around the world: http://dduane.tumblr.com/post/126907778651/dont-ever-hesitate-reblog-this-tumblr-rule

Christmas is lonely when you’re alone, Remus thought as he walked towards the bridge. He had lost his parents in an accident just five months ago. Less than a year before, his best mate died from cancer. In between it all his boyfriend had cheated on him after being together for two years. Following his parent’s death, he left Wales for the first time in his life and moved to London for a new job in hopes of starting over. He did like his job but it didn’t solve everything. It didn’t solve anything, really. He still felt completely empty.

This wasn’t the first time Remus had thought about killing himself. It crossed his mind multiple times but something about being alone on Christmas Eve was just too much. The thought of having to suffer Christmas Day then Boxing Day then New Year's Eve then a whole new year by himself was daunting. So, he planned to kill himself. There was a bridge across the Thames that he regularly walked across that wasn’t always busy, especially later in the night. He figured that would be a good place, it seemed peaceful enough.

Remus thought of leaving behind a note but there would be no one to read it. The people are work were nice to him but they weren’t exactly his mates. They weren’t close to him so it wasn’t as if they would care. The family left, he didn’t care for nor did they ever try to reach out to him after about a month of grieving. Remus Lupin was completely alone in the world. He believed that at least as he climbed on to the railing of the bridge.

Remus sat on the edge for a moment and took a deep breath. It should have been easy to let go but it wasn’t.

“It’s bleeding cold you know?” The voice startled him but then there was a hand gripping the back of his coat.

“What?”

“The Thames right now. It’s so cold. I don’t think — I don’t think you want to go that way.” The man’s voice was soothing.

Remus wasn’t sure what to say or do. When he had got to the bridge, he hadn’t noticed anyone coming or going. He thought he was alone in the night. Remus purposely made sure he was alone for this very reason.

“Let me buy you a coffee or tea or something, please. I’m sure whatever it you’re going through is complete shite but I can’t walk away from this now that I’m here. I’m being selfish if that’s okay with you and I’m asking you to come get a something at the café down the way because if I don’t I could be able to live with myself if I didn’t at least try.”

Remus finally turned to the man who had been speaking to him this whole time. His blue eyes were wide and pleading and his expression was soft. He looked a bit like an angel with his long wavy black hair framing his pale face.

“You see, my brother killed himself and I found him. I don’t fancy walking away from this because you have someone in your life that cares about you as I cared about him — even if you think you don’t. Now I’m guilting you, so that’s shitty of me but I don’t know what else to say because you haven’t said anything since ‘what’ and if you don’t talk soon who knows what I’ll say next. I’m a rambler, mate.” The man bit his lip.

“How do you know I won’t get the coffee with you then just come back here?” Remus questioned.

“I don’t know what you’ll do after and I can’t control it.” The man shrugged. “I’m just putting in some hope that it won’t happen.”

Remus looked back to the river rushing below him. He could have just slipped out of his jacket and done it but he hated the idea of letting this man have to be witness to his death. If he wasn’t lying about his brother then, god, Remus didn’t really want to be a monster in this man’s memory. “Fine.” He said then was taken aback when the man practically pulled him back and off the railing.

“Thank you,” He sighed once both of Remus’ feet were back on the pavement. “Come on, let’s go.”

It took a few seconds for Remus to regain some kind of equilibrium. He had just almost jumped off the bridge to his death, now he was letting some stranger drag him to coffee. Remus thought nothing felt real since Alice died and everything just kept getting murkier and murkier until he couldn’t see the surface. What was happening now was just something strange to add to everything else.

“Do you want to go to the hospital?” The man softly as they began to walk.

“I — I’m not sure.” Remus shook his head.

He nodded, “That’s fine. Whatever you want. Let’s just get the coffee then we can part ways. I can at least say I tried and I hope you can’t fault me for that.”

“Your brother really killed himself?” Remus asked outright. There was no dancing around it, why would there be? This man almost saw him jump from the bridge. He saw him at his lowest moment.

“Yeah, just over a year ago now.”

“Oh, I’m sorry.” Remus was glad he didn’t have anyone he’d leave behind like that.

“I had no idea either.” He shook his head as they got to the end of the bridge. “He was fine until he wasn’t fine any longer. I felt horrible because I never realized but I read the note he left behind and learned more about depression and sometimes people close by don’t see certain signs until it’s too late. I don’t blame myself but I always wish that I could have been more aware at the time.”

“Well, I don’t have anyone left so I guess no one’s around to even notice it.” Remus explained then bit his lip.

“No one? Really? I’m sure you must have someone.”

“Well, you noticed.”

The man shook his head, “I stopped you from jumping, it’s not like I knew you before. It’s different when you love the person who’s in this situation.”

“I’ve lost a lot of people recently and I moved not long ago to London. I don’t have many connections here.”

“I see. Who did you lose?” He asked. “Wait, can you give me a name I can call you? It doesn’t have to be your real one. You can call me Padfoot, if you want. It’s an old nickname.”

Remus was surprised but thought for a moment, “Moony, you can call me Moony.” Alice used to call him that.

“All right, Moony,” Padfoot spoke as they came to the café. It looked empty with the exception of a bloke on his laptop with earbuds in and two people working behind the counter. “Why don’t you pick a seat and I’ll buy us something then we can talk?”

Remus nodded, “Sure, er, how about a chamomile tea?”

Padfoot smiled softly before nodding and heading to the counter. Remus decided to sit on the squashy looking settee in the corner of the shop. It faced outside and Remus noticed snow was starting to fall. He took a deep breath and thought about just walking out the door. Padfoot was at the counter chatting happily with the baristas, he wouldn’t even notice if Remus just took off. Except, he couldn’t imagine the feeling the man would have if Remus did that. He was already living with the death of his brother, he must have felt like this was some divine intervention to help him deal with his own grief.

So, Remus stayed seated. He rubbed his thumb into his opposite palm, trying to find something to calm him. He was supposed to be dead by now but he was getting tea with a stranger. Okay.

“Here,” Padfoot handed him the paper cup and then sat down next to him.

“Thanks,” Remus hand the cup between his hands feeling the heat. “I lost my best mate Alice a year ago. She had cancer and left behind her husband and son.” Remus bit his lip. “We were mates since we were in nappies and then she got so ill… I …”

“It’s okay, I’m sure that’s hard to deal with,” Padfoot put his hand on Remus’ knee and gave it a squeeze. “I’m so sorry.”

“That’s not it, though. My parents, they died in a car accident five months ago,” Remus cleared his throat. “Drunk driver hit them one night on their way home from dinner one night. I couldn’t stay in Wales any longer because of it all, it was too much so I moved here.” He took a deep breath.

“Moony, that’s terrible. I can understand why you’re feeling this way.”

“I don’t have anyone left.”

“I’m sure you feel that way but what about Alice’s husband and son. Do you still keep in touch?”

Remus shook his head then took a sip of his tea, it burned all the way down as it was still too hot. “I didn’t want to get in the way of their grieving, I didn’t want Frank to feel like he had to worry about me.”

“I’m sure he’d still miss you if you were gone.” Padfoot said softly, his hand still on Remus’ knee. “What about here in London, have you met anyone?”

“I— well, at work there are a few people who are nice and all but we’re just acquaintances.”

“What do you do for work?” Padfoot asked him.

“I’m a writer at the Quibbler.”

Padfoot smiled, “That’s brilliant. Do you like it?”

“Yeah, I do.” Work was one thing that he did enjoy in his life right now.

“What do you like about it?”

“I love to write, it’s what I’ve always wanted to do. I get to write about interesting people now. I meet interesting people all the time.”

“That must be bloody brilliant. Who’s the last interesting person you got to meet?” Padfoot asked him, tilting his head to the side much like an interested puppy.

“There’s the elderly woman, she started a dance troupe and they performed over in the States at an American Football game. She’s nearly 90 and still so in shape and full of energy.” He wished he had half as much spark left in him as that woman. She was amazing.

“You’re crying,” Padfoot leaned forward to grab the napkins on the table in front of them.

Remus hadn’t even realized that, he was just so full of a million different emotions. It wasn’t too surprising to him. He took the offered napkin and wiped his eyes. “I just want to feel that way. Happy to be alive. I want to stop hurting but it — I don’t think that I can.”

“I know it feels that way, Moony, but… have you tried to get help? Have you gone to therapy or anything like that?”

He sniffled and shook his head.

“If you want, I know someone great. I don’t go to her anymore but I used to when I lived in the city when I was at Uni.” Padfoot explained.

“Maybe,” Remus wiped his eyes again. “Can we keep walking? I know it’s snowing but I— I feel like I need fresh air.”

“Of course, come on.” Padfoot stood up and pulled on his coat then took some napkins to shove in his pockets.

Remus followed him, he still had his coat on so walked out with his hands wrapped around his cup.

“You don’t live in the city, you said?”

Padfoot shook his head, “No, I actually live in Singapore. I inherited my family’s company after Reg— my brother died. I hate business but I’m trying to get it to be a good place. I want to sell it one day but I want to make sure it’s in good hands and on the right track. I’m in town because my best mate lives here so I always come out for the holidays.”

“After your brother killed himself, what… what was it like for you?”

“Ah, hard. I was depressed and didn’t know what to do with myself. I’m impulsive and reckless, so I’ve been working on not being that way but for a few months I sort of spiraled. Then I got some help, best thing I could have done.”

“Were you ever suicidal?”

“No, no, I wasn’t.”

Remus took a sip of his tea as they walked, not sure what to say. They didn’t say anything for a long while. Remus wasn’t even sure where they were in the city. Padfoot just took turns and led them to wherever he had in mind. Remus liked the feeling of the snow falling on his face how the cold bit his nose. It made him feel a bit more alive.

They ditched their teacups in a bin on a street corner and stood there for a moment when Padfoot smiled as his eyes fell on the store across the street.

“I used to go to that record shop all the time. I didn’t even realize we were over here.” Padfoot said, jogging across the street. Remus followed after him. “I wanted to be in a punk band growing up to properly piss my parents off.”

“It never happened?”

“No, but I did buy a motorbike. I never get to use it, though. It’s here in England at my mate’s. I plan on moving back one day so I’ll use it more then.”

“I’ve never been on a motorbike.”

“Huh, maybe when I move and it’s nicer weather, you can join me on a ride.” Padfoot suggested.

“If I’m here.” Remus muttered, staring into the shop’s window. He couldn’t see anything but his reflection in the dark. “How am I going to make it through another day then another then another?” He shook his head.

“I don’t know, really, I don’t. I don’t know you or your life or anything but I care about you now. If anything, remember I care — this random ass stranger who found you in the middle of the city. I want you to be happy and get everything you want out of life.”

“You don’t know me,” Remus began to cry again. He put his hands over his face.

“I’d love to one day. You have an interesting job, I’m sure we could talk about that all day. You also want to ride my motorbike. That’s a plus.” Padfoot said. “Can I hug you?”

Remus nodded, not moving his hands as he continued to sob. The other man wrapped his arms around Remus and pulled him against his body. Remus buried his face in the other man’s shoulder. He couldn’t remember the last time someone held him tight and told him it was going to be okay. It didn’t solve his problems. He still wanted to die but the comfort felt like something that he needed.

Hours could have passed but he knew that it wasn’t that long when Remus pulled away. “Sorry.”

“It’s all right, Moony.” Padfoot stepped back.

“I don’t know what to do next.”

“I don’t either, so let’s keep walking.”

“Okay, I can do that.” If they kept walking then he didn’t need to make any choices yet. He wasn’t ready to make any choices just yet.

So, they walked some more. The snow had stopped falling but it was still freezing. It must have been nearly midnight now. It was probably Christmas and this person was walking around London aimlessly with him. Surely he should have been with his mates but Padfoot was sticking with him. He never thought anyone would do this before. It was as if he really cared about Remus. They didn’t even know one another.

Padfoot would occasionally point out points of interests to him as they walked but Remus stayed mostly silent, trying to decide what he wanted to do next. Eventually they ended up across the street from St. Mungo’s Hospital. Remus stopped in his tracks and looked at the building.

“Moony?”

“I think I should go in there. I mean, I don’t know what else to do. I think I need the help because if I don’t get it I’m not going to make it to the New Year.” Remus shook his head.

“Do you want to make it to the New Year?”

“Sometimes.”

“Okay, let’s go.”

“You don’t have to.”

“I’ll sit with you in the waiting room, okay? Then I’ll go home. Waiting rooms are absolute shite and no one should ever wait in them alone.”

“Thank you,” Remus bit his lip.

They walked across the street and into the doors of the A&E. It wasn’t too full but Remus still had to wait. He and Padfoot sat near the doors that led back behind the nurse’s station. Padfoot held on to his hand, rubbing his thumb across Remus’ knuckles.

An older woman with kind eyes came out to take Remus back. “You’ll be okay.” Padfoot said, giving him a hug. “I hope I see you again.”

“Thank you, thank you so much.”

“No worries, go ahead. One day, you can ride the motorbike.”

Remus followed the nurse back and they ended up sitting in a small room. She took all his information and details down. Then she started to ask him questions that Remus didn’t want to answer out loud. She said they were to assess his risk and he knew where he was going to end up on whatever chart she was using.

“Why are you thinking about suicide, Mister Lupin?” She asked after flipping the paper on her clipboard over.

“It just — I don’t have anything left. I can’t go on any longer. It just doesn’t make any sense to.”

“Did you have any specific plans?”

“I was going to jump off a bridge but someone stopped me.” He said and the nurse looked at him in surprise then noted it on the paper in front of her. “If I went home then I think I’d hang myself. That’s something that, ah, I keep thinking about.”

“What are some options for coping beside suicide?”

“I don’t know.” Remus looked down at his hands.

“And have you felt this way before?”

Remus nodded.

“How did you avoid it?”

“I just, I just pushed on. I don’t know, really. I just kept trying but I can’t anymore, it’s too much.”

“Are you depressed or have you been until recently?”

“Yes, for over a year now, it’s just gotten worse since they passed and I moved here…” He had already explained his major life events earlier.

“I didn’t take many of my things when I moved to London. Uh, I don’t really have much here.”

“Is there an anniversary of a loss or any other significant date approaching?”

“It’s Christmas.” Remus answered simply.

“Have you been avoiding or withdrawing from others?”

“I don’t have mates here and I don’t talk to anyone from back home.”

“Have you recently made a will or other arrangements for your death?”

“No, I was hoping they just wouldn’t find my body.” Remus picked at his cuticles.

“Have you… have you recently experienced any significant losses?” She asked, already knowing the answer because they had talked about it before but it was on the sheet so she had to ask it.

“My parents and my best mate within the last year.”

“Are you terminally or chronically ill?”

Remus shook his head, “No.”

“Are you currently under the influence of alcohol or other substances?”

“No.”

“Do you use alcohol and/or other substances on a frequent basis?”

“Not really, no. I drink but not a lot. I don’t think at least.”

“Have you ever been told that you take too many risks or are impulsive?”

“No, rather the opposite.” Remus snickered.

The nurse made a few more notes on the paper then looked at him softly before calmly saying, “Remus, we’re going to get you the help you need.”

He let out a long breath, feeling as if there was some weight lifted off of his shoulders.


	2. Chapter 2

_A Little Less Than 5 Years Later_

Sirius was thrilled to be back in London for good officially. He was also excited to be at Marlene and Dorcas’ Christmas bash. They always threw the best parties, even though he would never tell James that. The only issue with Christmas was that he thought about Reggie and Moony. Reggie was always on his mind for varying reasons but just in different ways around this time of year. Moony was always on his mind in the weeks and days leading up to Christmas, which was now only two weeks away. It had been five years but he would never forget the man.

When he found Moony on the bridge on Christmas Eve, he didn’t really have a second thought about stopping him. Sirius just did it. He was shocked it actually worked. They had spent nearly five hours together between getting tea, walking around the city, and then sitting in the A&E. Sirius wondered what the man was up to every so often but the urge to find outgrew stronger in the month of December. A few years back he had googled Remus Lupin (he knew his name because he had heard it at the A&E). He found he was still writing but decided to leave it at that. Moony wanted to remain Moony that night so Sirius decided to give him his privacy.

All he hoped for him, was that he was happy. Sirius hoped he did for him what he wished he could have done for Regulus or what he wished anyone could have done for his brother, really. Even though Remus said that he had no one, Sirius was sure that there had to be people. Like his mate’s husband and kid, that had to be something, right? Or maybe there were some brilliant new mates at work.

“I’m sorry, could you pass — Padfoot. Shite.” The voice next to him broke his thoughts.

Sirius looked over in confusion because the voice was familiar but not at the same time. To his surprise there was Moony. He was standing tall with a light in his eye that wasn’t there that night they had met. He wasn’t as skinny either, nor were there bags under his eyes. His hair tawny, curly hair was trimmed shorter than five years ago. He looked happy and healthy, if not a bit shocked. “Moony.”

“I can’t believe it,” Remus shook his head. “You know Marlene and Dorcas?”

“Of course, we’re old mates. How do you know them?” Sirius couldn’t stop staring at the man. He was handsome, Sirius thought that that night but didn’t spend too much time on it because it wasn’t exactly on in that situation. There were far more important matters to think about then.

“Well, I work with Gideon and I’ve hung out with them a few times. I didn’t realize you knew them.”

“You write for the Prophet now?” He remembered that that ginger was working there now.

Remus nodded, “Yeah.”

Sirius opened and closed his mouth, “I’m — I’m so happy you’re here.” He meant that in more ways than one but he wasn’t sure how to articulate it.

“Me too,” Remus smiled brightly.

“Sirius! Come here, I want you to show Mary that shitty tattoo. She doesn’t believe me.”

Sirius rolled his eyes. The last thing he wanted to do at the moment was show Mary his shitty Bowie tattoo. It looked more like Danny DeVito than Bowie. Nothing against Danny but it wasn’t what he was going for. “Really?”

“Yeah, mate,” James paused then looked at Remus. “Who’s this?”

“Remus, hi,” He shook James’ offered hand. “I work and live with Gideon.”

“Brilliant! It’s nice to meet you finally. Come on, Pads. Remus, you can come too.”

Remus laughed then reached for a bottle of wine, “Ah, I’m good. But thanks.”

James nodded then pulled Sirius out of the kitchen. He wished Remus followed him but he wasn’t about to make things awkward. What was someone supposed to say to the person they stopped from killing themselves? There weren’t many guides for that. Even though Sirius had thought it’d be nice to see the other man again, he was never too sure what he could say.

The rest of the night, Sirius and Remus interacted like they knew each other but didn’t at the same time. They talked with familiarity but they were also a bit standoffish. Remus was clearly trying to find the balance as well. When the night was ending, Sirius was rather sad to hear Remus had left without a goodbye to Sirius. He hoped that that wasn’t the end of things.

***

“So, are you interested in Sirius? You were basically flirting with him all night.” Gideon said as they took the tube back to their flat. He lived and worked with Gideon. They had met when they were covering the same story not long after Remus took some leave at The Quibbler and became fast friends. It wasn’t long until Gid asked if he wanted a flatmate because his rent was insane. Since then, they had been best mates.

Remus bit his lip. There was no denying that Sirius was attractive but that was not why he was staring at him half the night. He wanted to talk to him but not there. He didn’t want to draw attention to it, not in front of everyone. Remus also didn’t want the others to think he was chatting Sirius up. Though, it seemed like their friendly conversation was taken that way.

He and Sirius had got on well, as if they had known one another for years. They joked and laughed and just talked like Remus would have with anyone else in the flat. Except there was a lot more to Sirius and Remus than between anyone else and Remus. He wasn’t sure what to do about it all.

“No, um, not really. You know how I told you about my suicide attempt?”

“Yeah, of course.” Gid nodded, turning his body to him in his seat.

“He’s the bloke who stopped me.”

Gideon’s eyes widened, “You’re having me on. That’s mad!”

“Nope. It was him.”

“Sirius has been an acquaintance for about ever. I’m surprised you never crossed paths, honestly. I’ve even mentioned him before.”

“We never exchanged names.” Remus explained. He had heard of Sirius before, even that the man lives in Singapore. It always made Remus think of Padfoot but he never thought it would actually be him.

“Damn, what a small world.”

Walking into the kitchen to find Sirius pondering over the refreshments was jarring. He had thought of Padfoot a lot for a long time them only when Christmas came up over the last couple of years. Remus wanted to thank the man who saved him that night because he would have regretted it. His life now was completely different than it was five years ago but for so many great reasons.

After Remus checked into the hospital, he stayed there for over a week. He went on leave at The Quibbler to take care of his mental health. Remus worked with many different people to help him through his struggle. His transformation didn’t happen overnight. Remus worked hard, he had setbacks, and his life wasn’t just amazing after his hospital stay. The good thing was, he was able to keep going. He was given the tools and the help him to want to keep going. If he never checked himself for help, then he would have never made it, he was sure of that. Remus knew he would have never made it to the New Year.

“I know,” Remus nodded. “Do you happen to have his number? I’d like to talk to him.”

“You didn’t ask for it?”

“I thought it’d be strange, I don’t know. I mean, not between Sirius and I but I didn’t want anything to think it was something that it wasn’t.”

“I don’t have his UK one because I know it just changed. But I’ll get it from Lilly. If I ask James he’ll make a big deal but I’ll tell her to keep it under wraps.”

Remus wanted to properly thank Sirius for taking his time to help him that night. If Sirius hadn’t intervened he wouldn’t have met all his great mates. He wouldn’t have the job of his dreams. He would have missed the chance to travel the world like he did last year. There was probably no way for Remus thank him enough so the least he could do was lunch.

***

The next Saturday, Sirius was sitting at his favorite brunch place waiting for Remus to arrive. Remus had texted him the day after Marlene and Dorcas’ party. He was eager to speak to the other man again in person. Sirius wanted to know what had happened after that night. He wanted to see if Remus was truly happy and enjoying his life.

“Padfoot,” Remus greeted him with a smile as he sat down across from him. “Hi.”

“Moony,” Sirius sighed.

“I’m so happy you could come.”

“I wouldn’t miss it. I wanted to talk to you last week but it was too hard. Though, everyone believes we were flirting. Marls wouldn’t shut up about it.”

“Christ, Gid thought the same thing. I told him who you were though. He already knew the whole story but the fact that it was you… he couldn’t believe it. I couldn’t believe it.” Remus said as their waitress came over.

After the both ordered drinks, Remus told Sirius about what he was doing now at The Prophet. It was a bit different from The Quibbler but it that seemed like a good thing for Remus. He had done a whole year abroad traveling to different countries to get views on immigration last year. He was now working on a lighter story about ways people celebrate the holidays in London.

“It’s the best job, I couldn’t ask for more.” Remus commented. “I’m — I’m so happy, Sirius. I don’t know how else to say it and I’m not just saying that to you because you saw me legitimately at my lowest moment.”

Sirius felt something in his chest warm. The fact that Regulus never got the chance to be happy again always killed him. He worried about Remus all the time. Even though he had searched him and saw he was alive the other year, he had no idea how full his life was. From the sounds of it, it was positively brimming.

“It’s thanks to you I had the chance. I don’t know why you were out there that night I’m so thankful for the reasons. I thought of you all the bloody time and just wanted to tell you that. I don’t think that what I can say is enough to show you my gratitude.”

“You don’t have to say much, really. I’m just happy you’re here and you’re not just going through the motions of living.”

“It wasn’t easy. I learned that recovery is messy and all over the place but I’ve been on pretty good footing for a while now.” Remus explained.

They were interrupted again with their drinks and they placed their orders. Sirius marveled at the man across from him. He was laughing and chatting with the server happily. Remus was like a different person.

“How are you doing?” Remus asked him.

“I’m great. I sold the company and I’m officially here for good. I’m trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up.” He scoffed, being 34, he felt like he should have known that by now.

“That sounds fun, though, I think.”

“It is. I love painting but I never had much time to do it.”

“Are you any good?”

Sirius shrugged. He thought he was and people always said he was but he wanted to be modest at the moment.

“I’m sure you are. Do you still have your motorbike?

“Yes, I do,” He laughed. “You’ll get to ride it now.”

“Brilliant, I still haven’t been on one.” Remus said excitedly.

***

“When Reggie killed himself, I didn’t know how I was going to go on, you know? Like, I wasn’t suicidal or anything, it was just a lot.” Sirius explained. They were walking in Regent’s Park following brunch. They must have been talking for at least the last four hours. It was so easy between them that Remus had to wondered if they had some type of deeper connection. Maybe they were always meant to be in each other’s lives.

“I understand,” Remus nodded.

“It’s all thanks to him I was out there, really.” Sirius put his hands in his pockets. “We always went to the same pub every Christmas Eve when we were in London during Uni and a bit afterwards. It wasn’t too far from the café we stopped at. I was planning on going earlier but I was late at James’ but still wanted to get a pint in memory because I had done it the year before. It was a good thing I was late. I think, you know, if there is an afterlife and the dead have some say in this plane, then I think he led me right to you.”

“However you got there, I’m glad you did.”

Sirius asked him what he was doing for Christmas this year and Remus grinned. “I’m spending it with Frank and Neville. They moved to London last year.”

“Oh, Alice— your mates’ husband and kid?”

Remus nodded.

“That’s so good, Remus.”

They walked some more and chatted happily about everything that came up. Soon enough it was getting dark out and Remus needed to go home and take his dog Snuffles out for a walk. He didn’t want to say goodbye to Sirius just yet but he knew that Sirius was going to be around from now on.

“I have to go but I really don’t want to lose touch.”

“I’m not going anywhere,” Sirius confirmed. “You’re stuck with me as a mate.”

“Good, I’m glad. You do need to take me on the motorbike, so we’ll have to at least stay mates for that.” Remus joked.

“Everyone’s going to wonder why we’re so close.”

“I know,” Remus shrugged. “I’d prefer not to tell everyone but if you want to talk to James and Lily, that’s fine. I mean, we all need someone close to talk to about everything.”

“Okay, if you’re okay with it.”

Remus looked at his watch. “Do you do anything for Christmas Eve? Maybe we could go to that pub?”

“Really?”

“I always try to find something new to do that day but I’m never too sure what. I don’t exactly have a set tradition.”

“We can do that.” Sirius confirmed. “Let’s do that.”

***

“To Regulus and to mental health and to a New Year filled with good health and happiness,” Remus toasted, clinking his pint with Sirius’.

“And to new friends and old acquaintances.” Sirius had never brought anyone to the pub with him but he was more than happy to have Remus accompany him.

Remus took another drink of his pint and smiled.

“What?” Sirius asked, leaning on the bar.

“I don’t know, I’m just happy to be here with you.”

Sirius couldn’t do anything but grin. He really was looking forward to the next year now.


	3. Chapter 3

_One Year Later_

Life was good and having Sirius in it was even better. His circle of friends had grown to include the Potter’s. They hung around each other all the time. Sirius even took him out on the motorbike a few times. There were times Remus had to stop and remember that Sirius had not been in his life for more than a year. They were inseparable and it wasn’t just because of their past, no they were practically made for one another. Remus had never met anyone he was so compatible within so many ways, even though they were completely different people.

The only issue was, Remus was trying to pretend he didn’t fancy the pants off the other man. He thought for a while it was some type of savior complex but the longer it went on, the more he realized that it was far beyond that. If Remus took everything away, Sirius would still be handsome, energetic, funny, and smart. He would still be an artist and still be a great listener. He would still ride his motorbike and make Remus laugh so hard that his sides hurt. He had even talked to his therapist about it and she seemed to have no issue because Remus saw the good and the bad and Sirius. He wasn’t holding him up as some angel.

“How come it smells like hippy in here?” Sirius complained to him as they wandered around some tiny shop Remus thought looked cute. He was trying to find something nice to give to Mrs. Potter.

The Potter’s invited Remus to join them for their Christmas outside the city at their estate. They were ridiculously rich, apparently, and always insisted the more the merrier. The more included Sirius, Sirius’ cousin Andromeda and her husband and daughter. Sirius and James’ best mate Peter and his wife Mary. As well as the Potters themselves James, Lily, Harry, Fleamont, and Effie. Snuffles was going to be joining them too. They somehow managed to have enough room for them all. Remus thought of staying in the city but Frank was going to be with his new long-term girlfriend’s family so Remus thought it best to go with Sirius.

“It doesn’t smell like — what the fuck does that smell like?” Remus furrowed his brow.

“Patchouli with a hint of weed and unwashed hair.”

Remus rolled his eyes at Sirius, “Let’s go before you get us kicked out.”

“I’m not that embarrassing.” Sirius laughed then nearly knocked over a display of mood rings when he turned around.

“You are.” Remus grabbed Sirius’ hand and led him out. “I don’t know what to get her.”

“Just your face is good enough.” Sirius squeezed his hand as they walked back outside into the cool December air. He didn’t drop it. “I mean, I like your face enough, so she must too.”

It didn’t help Remus’ feelings that they were constantly flirting with one another, especially over the last two months. He didn’t know if he was wishing they were flirting and projecting or if it was happening. Either way it was stressing him out a fair bit.

“She loves candles, so, let’s get her a couple of nice ones and be done with it. It’s Christmas Eve and we have to get a pint in Reggie’s honor.” Sirius insisted. “That is if you don’t want to give her your face as a gift. But, I’ll happily take that.”

Remus rolled his eyes and dropped Sirius’ hand as they walked. He wanted to ask Sirius if he was flirting to have fun or if it was something else but it seemed like a big step. They were such great mates he didn’t want to ruin it at all.

“Fine, let’s get her some sodding candles then go to the pub.” Remus hoped the candles weren’t too generic but Sirius would never lie to him, especially about something like that.

“I knew you’d see sense soon enough. Effie is not a complicated lady, Moony.” Sirius shook his head.

They walked to a different store before heading in the direction of the pub. It was fairly early because Sirius decided he wanted to start spending Christmas Eves at the Potter’s outside the city. Remus didn’t mind much. He was just happy to have something to do. It had been exactly six years since he nearly killed himself. Remus tried his best not to commemorate the night in any sort of way. He figured if he did start a tradition, it would need to be built around something other than his suicide attempt. Having the tradition to honor Regulus was little close but he didn’t mind. They were also going to go to the Potter’s and that had nothing to do with either.

“To Regulus and another good year,” Sirius raised his glass as they sat at the bar.

“To another year of friendship,” Remus added then they clinked glasses.

They both drank to their toast then Sirius smiled widely. “I can’t believe it’s been a year. It feels like I’ve known you forever.”

“I know, I completely understand what you mean.”

“I don’t know what it is.” Sirius shrugged. “Is it what happened or is it something else?”

Remus wondered that all the time. Were they meant to be close, was the universe just shoving them together? Or was it some deep bond that was forged that night six years ago? Remus was never going to be sure what it was but it shouldn’t matter because they did have this connection. They were good mates for far more complex and interesting reasons than just Sirius saving him from himself. “I don’t know, Pads.”

“I’m just happy that we’re mates. You got to ride my motorbike and I got to walk and cuddle Snuffles.”

Remus laughed, Sirius and his dog got on so well that sometimes Remus was sure Snuffles would prefer to be at Sirius’ flat. Snuffles was going to be a very happy mutt for the next three days. “You only care about my dog.”

“Oh, no way, I care about you far more.” Sirius patted his thigh. “I mean, don’t tell Snuffles that.”

“I’d never hurt his feelings like that.” Remus assured Sirius with an eye roll.

“Good.”

“So, we’ll finish this, go pick up Snuffles, and then head to the Potters?”

“Absolutely,” Sirius grinned. “I can’t wait to spend the next few days out there with you.”

“Me too.”

***

It was in October, Sirius and Remus had gone on a long ride on the countryside. That was when Sirius realized his feelings for Remus were far more than platonic. It may have been the fact that the man felt perfect wrapped around him on the drive. Or it could have been because Sirius could smell Moony on his jacket for days after. Maybe it was just months of pretending his feelings weren’t that way finally breaking through. All he knew from that moment on, was that he wanted to be with Remus in more ways than just friendship.

“You could just tell him,” Lily insisted quietly as they were alone in the kitchen getting some mulled wine. She was the only one he had told about his feelings for Remus. He didn’t even tell James. He only didn’t tell James because James tended to get obsessive when Sirius showed any hint of fancying someone. It normally blew up in his face.

“It’s weird, right? It has to be kind of weird, I think. I mean…” Sirius huffed a breath. “I want to but I’m afraid that if I tell him then things will get strange.”

“Just because—”

“God, I couldn’t possibly eat anything else.” Remus announced as he walked into the kitchen.

“Then what are you doing?” Lily chuckled.

“Getting another biscuit.”

“You have the biggest sweet tooth I’ve ever seen,” Sirius laughed as Remus bumped his hip into Sirius’ as he went to grab another biscuit.

Remus winked at him and Sirius wanted to groan.

Lily said something about going back out into the sitting room with James as she left the kitchen with a knowing look.

“Enjoying your Christmas?”

“Of course,” The dimples in Remus’ cheeks deepened with the beaming smile on his face. He had no right to look like that.

“Good, I’m glad. The Potters like having you here, you fit right in. It’s like we all went to Hogwarts together.”

“I wasn’t that posh growing up,” Remus laughed as they started to walk back to where everyone was gathered between the sitting and dining rooms.

“We would have had some brilliant pranks, you’d have been a great mastermind.” Sirius assured him

“We could have some great pranks now if we want.”

“Oh, we should think about doing something to Jamie tonight.” Sirius suggested as they got to the sitting room.

“STOP!” James said loudly as they got to the doorway.

Sirius immediately knew why his friend was yelling at them. The bleeding mistletoe. He looked up to see the stupid parasitic plant. Sirius swore it had been hanging up in a different doorway.

“You have to kiss, it’s law.” Lily declared with a smirk.

Remus laughed, turning to Sirius. Sirius did notice that his cheeks were red. He was going to say something snarky but Remus leaned in and all words were lost on him with Remus’ sweet lips pressed against his. Sirius tried his hardest not to make anything noises during the kiss or after the other man pulled away. He absently touched his tingling lips and Remus winked at him. His stomach did something rather funny.

Oh, god, Sirius was so screwed.

***

After everyone filtered to their bedrooms that night, Remus was up pacing in his. Next door was Sirius’ room, which he always stayed in since he was a pre-teen, the other man was getting ready for bed. Thankfully it was tastefully decorated (okay, not thankfully because Remus sort of wanted to make fun of him a bit about embarrassing posters but whatever). Aside from his decor, Remus couldn’t stop thinking about that kiss.

It was a simple kiss, it wasn’t crazy or intense but it was so nice. Sirius tasted like the wine and desserts. He wanted to back him against the wall and snog him some more but he was well aware of all the eyes on them. When Remus pulled away, Sirius looked all starry-eyed and lovestruck. Remus still wasn’t sure if it was a good or bad thing to be head over heels for Sirius but he was sick of denying it. If anything, he knew he needed to talk to Sirius.

So, he mustered all the bravery that he could and went next door to Sirius’ room. Next door was practically down the hall in the bloody wing they were staying in (the Potters were THAT rich). Remus knocked softly just in case Sirius had gone to bed, his heart thudding in his chest. It had been a while since Remus had felt this way about someone. Yes, over the last few years he had had relationships but they didn’t stoke such intense feelings.

“Everything all right, Moony?” Sirius asked. He had his glasses on, which was a rarity, and his hair pulled into a messy bun on top of his head. He was still in his dark jeans and nice jumper that he had been wearing all night.

“Yes, mind if I come in?”

Sirius nodded, stepping aside to let Remus in. “I just wanted… look, I’m just going to say it.”

“I fancy you.” Sirius blurted after closing the door behind Remus.

“Bloody hell, take the words out of my mouth, why don’t you?” Remus put a hand over his face. At least they were on the same page.

“Thank god.”

“It’s just… it’s a weird position.”

“I agree.” Sirius assured him. “I like you for who you are right now. I slowly fell for you over this last year. I mean, I didn’t fully realize it until fall.”

“Me too, Padfoot,” Remus sighed. “I don’t want this to be unhealthy or anything.”

“Our friendship isn’t unhealthy. I think it’s fairly healthy. I think, if you want, I think we could have a healthy romantic relationship. We could give it a try, if you want.”

Remus nodded, “Yeah, I — I want that.”

“So, can I kiss you again without everyone watching us snog?”

“Please,” He laughed as Sirius moved closer to him.

“Good.” Sirius’ hand rested on his shoulder and then pressed his lips to Remus’.

When Sirius pulled back, Remus sighed and the other man grinned. “Want to watch a movie or something? I don’t think I’m quite ready for bed yet?”

“Sure.”

So, they settled in to watch Home Alone, cuddled up on Sirius’ bed. They occasionally traded kisses and chatted happily. Remus sometimes marveled at how his life led him to where he was. He couldn’t get over how much he had healed over the last few years. It wasn’t all perfect all the time — it was never perfect but it was good. He was happy even after all the work it took to get there.

“You know, this is the best Christmas, Moony.”

“It is, Pads.” Remus kissed the other man on the cheek.


End file.
